written but never mailed - a goodbye letter

I went to a grief recovery class in the fall of 2013, just a few months after Barry went to heaven. I was surprised at the different things that qualified as a loss - such as moving from state to state, changing schools across town, changes in friendships, etc. I used to think loss was only about divorce and death. The class was great and one of the lessons recommended writing a closure letter - writing down things left unsaid and then say goodbye; it was certainly very therapeutic. So I decided to include parts of the letter here; perhaps by reading it, you'll be able to get some things said before you have to deal with a loss.

(Barry died on 7-19-2013)

Dear Barry,

I miss you. This life without you in it is very hard – harder than I ever imagined. But it is doable. Some days, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I know you would understand – because you went through this grieving process when Malinda died. Just 8 ½ years ago – you swept me off my feet when you called me from Disney World. I had no clue that you liked me that much. It meant a lot – and really helped get the ball rolling in our relationship. I needed you – and you needed me. I truly believe we were meant to be together – even if it was just for a short time. It was definitely a God-thing. 

So, I’ve had this chance to review our relationship (oh, how I wished it had lasted longer than this. I will always cherish our moments together.) I want to apologize to you, Barry, for being so needy. I know for awhile you must have thought that I was overbearing – always wanting to be with you – by your side.  Thanks for accepting me unconditionally. You showed me what love is all about – God first and then us. Thank you for bringing Him back into my daily walk.

Barry, I apologize for being sarcastic at times and/or finishing your sentences. I know that bothered you. There were times I didn’t give you a chance to say exactly what you wanted. I’m sorry for that. And I apologize for getting upset when you didn’t (couldn’t) hear me the first or second time I told you something. I was so relieved when you finally let me buy hearing aids for you (in 2011). That was six years of me saying to you – I love you – and you not hearing me or thinking I said something else. That was frustrating to me – so Barry, I apologize for over reacting to something you couldn’t control at the time.

Although our marriage only went for a little over 8 years, we had our ups and downs. Barry, I forgive you for being a workaholic. I don’t even think you realized it. Your mom even told me you were one. I think your focus was always providing the best that you could – for your family – and so if that took a little more time in the day, you did it. But you working a lot was hard for me – because when we were dating, we spent a lot of time together. 

Barry, I forgive you for always being available to other people – to help them with projects, etc. This sort of goes with the first one – but I know deep down that this was one of your gifts from God. So it was me being jealous of others who got to spend time with you. So Barry, I apologize for that.

Of course, when cancer came into our life – I got you back all to myself. But the chemo took away your strength and slowed your life down. It made it almost impossible for us to spend any alone time together. I know that it was really God who was preparing me to lean on Him for comfort and other things. But I love you so much. I know you missed this time, too. So I'm, sorry you felt left out or lonely – when again, you had no control over the circumstances.

Barry, I want you to know that I will always cherish this time we had together. I will always thank God for putting us together. You were my Knight in Shining Armor. You loved me unconditionally, the way that God loves each of us. Thank you.

Barry, I want you to know that I really appreciated the fact that you loved my children and grandchildren, as if they were biologically yours! Amy, Mike and Sarah each have a special place in their hearts for you – as I do. And your grandkids – Natalie, Alyssa, Lauren, and Noah. They all love you and miss you so much. But you will live in them. They share your love for ministry. You would be so proud of them. I remember in our vows to each other – you said you would love and take care of my kids the best you could. And you did that! Thank you so much, my Barry!

Barry, I want you to know how much I loved you when you were here. I just couldn’t get enough of you. And I know that you were always doing your best to please me. You built this house for us – but you also built it so that I could have a house to call our own. I loved building the decks with you and the deer stand. I loved hunting with you and helping you drag them back to the house. I loved those trips we went on – with and without our kids. I’m so glad that I got to take you west of OH! We had so much fun together. And I still have 6 messages on my voice mail – that I continue to listen to  - to hear your voice –to hear the love you have for me – while you sing to me. And I love to watch that video of you dancing – the one Mike took at Waldameer, when you didn’t expect to be taped. You surely have some moves.

Barry, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you taught me – to enjoy life to it’s fullest. To be able to dance out in public and not worry what others are thinking. To sing to your heart’s content. And that everything is a process.

Barry, I want you to know that it was my pleasure to take care of you when you had cancer. It wasn’t always easy, but I know God was with us every step of the way.

Barry, I want you to know that I will continue to love God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my strength. He will be #1 in my life always. Thank you for leading me back to Him. (And that reminds me, thank you for being the Godly leader in our home. What a difference that makes.) Thanks for praying with me, and praying for me.

Barry, I want you to know that I will honor your request – to get married again when God sends that someone special my way. I have several requirements this time around – you know – it’s hard to top you, my Barry! But it’s not that I’ll be replacing you – it will be someone that I will be able to share life with. I won’t even say it will be a forever love (like what we had) – it will be just for as long as God allows it to last.

Thank you for everything, Barry. I will always love you. I will see you again. Goodbye for now.                                               Love, Sue

How many licks does it take...?

I was thinking about that line - "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop lollipop?" Do you know? Have you ever counted them? Have you tried it? I think I succeeded once, but it was so long ago I couldn't tell you how many licks it took. Most likely it was too many; which is why after a few licks in, my teeth take over and crunch, I find the best part - the chocolate.

So is this post about being patient? Is it about not giving up? Is it about, well, at least you tried? The end result of this post won't even be written here; because it has yet to happen.

I have a FaceBook (FB) page. I'm sure several of you have been on it - it's most likely that you were on that first before going to my website to find my blog. I started my FB page to highlight short stories from my life - from birth to death and everywhere in between; and it's also used as a place to share inspirational posts that I see in my news feed (on my regular FB account). I also wanted to highlight the book, Emerge, that will be released on Amazon on September 14, 2015. This book allows me to claim the words "published author" on my resume'. I'm excited for sure because my chapter is about me - it's where I've been over the last ten years and gives a glimpse of where my journey might take me. I know I need to stay plugged into God, leaning on His Word, His Way, to be able to find my way. (Hence the title of my chapter - Finding My Way).

Writing my prayers helps me express to God how thankful I am, even for the little things in my life. Writing has always been a passion and is a great way to release the things that build up inside of me. My life has been intertwined with trials, joy, struggles, and happiness, -all to show how God continues to be my strength during this life journey. Many have said that I have been an inspiration to others and I hope it's because they see how much God has provided for me through the years. I believe my purpose is to continue to inspire others, sharing His love through my writing.

The other night I was watching the movie, "God's Not Dead". Remembering the scene in the church when the minister was asking Josh about how many of those kids in his class would step foot into the church building and Josh responded probably none. And so the minister said, then it's your job to bring God to that classroom.

Like Josh, I need to be the seed planter, and the one who waters, and let God do the harvesting. My seeds are planted in my blog, my website, and my FB page; as they all belong to God and it is through those avenues that I hope people will be able to meet God.

So how many licks does it take? or in my case, how many likes does it take? Amazon says a minimum of 500 likes on a FB page or website before they will allow them to become an Amazon affiliate - that is, a place where one can access Amazon and purchase the book, Emerge, along with anything else they want. And if God directs me to point them in the direction of a faith-based movie or another book, then that's what I'll be doing. (That's 500+ people who might not ever step foot into a church building.)

So this as my mission field. A ministry, per se. Wherever I am where my fingers can type or my hand can hold a pencil - that is where I can share Christ with others. I don't have to travel across the ocean, but I might; I don't have to live in a grass hut, but I could; I don't have to eat grasshoppers (though I have); I don't have to walk miles to and from villages (though I could try) and I don't have to leave the comforts of my home (but I probably will). Through my God-given gift of writing, I can inspire and encourage so many more for God. Therefore, the end result of this post is only known to God. It's truly up to Him.

Words of thanks I wish I had said to my parents

I found this writing in another blog I had started (Philippians413).
My mom died on January 11, 2011. 

These are some things I should have told her before she died.

Mom - I love you so much. Thanks for being there for me- especially when I was younger. I know you were on my side alot - cause you were the youngest of four kids, just like me. I'm sorry for the times I disappointed you and dad. Thanks for forgiving me. Thanks for giving me unconditional love and supporting me when I was a single parent. I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks for teaching me about flowers or atleast how to weed around them (though I wish you had stopped adding more gardens to your property). I'm sorry I didn't gain your love for sewing or knitting. I can't add cooking, cause I know you didn't like that either. And though this might sound strange - thanks for not showing me how to use makeup or do my nails - you've saved me a lot of money over the years! Thanks for sharing your love of travel with me - I love it too. And I'm slowly learning where all of the dirt roads in Crawford County lead to. Thanks for always pointing out the hawks and eagles on our road trip - I handed that down to my kids too. I could go on and on. You taught me a lot and I really appreciate it. Thanks. I hope to do as well with my own kids and grandkids. I love you. I'll see you again - in heaven.

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Why is it that we don't acknowledge how much we admire or appreciate others 

while  they're still alive? We should be celebrating their life all year long, because you 

never know when their last day will be here, nor your own.

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My dad died June 8, 2008. These are some things I should have told him.

Dad - I love you so much. Thanks for supporting me over the years and taking time to go fishing and teaching me about patience (waiting for the fish to bite) and how to enjoy nature. I'll never forget the times when you were fly fishing and you called me over to untangle your line from the bushes on the other side of the stream. Thanks for all the car rides around Robin Hood's barn, as both you and Mom had a love for travel that has seeped into me and I am always looking forward to the next road trip. Thanks for teaching me how to play the recorder and for all the duets we had, including when I played the piano and you played the recorder. I loved spending moments with you - helping you mow the lawn or trim the bushes or clean out the fish ponds. Although I didn't have a love for physics or history or law, you still engaged in conversations with me about things I liked. Thanks for trusting me with your car - in both my teenager and college years. Thanks for handing me my high school diploma during graduation (since you were on the school board). Many thanks for helping me pay off some debts I occurred as a single parent. Although there were times when I found it hard to approach you, I always felt better afterwards. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. I will always remember those nights when you showed us how to look through the telescope to see the craters on the moon or to look at Jupiter, Mars or Venus. Both you and Mom taught me many things about life, how to work hard, and to love others. I will always miss you both!

Woo Hoo - soon to be a published author

I'm excited for sure. I have dreamed of writing a book and having it published. Writing has been in my blood - I think I was born to write. But life just took over for a few decades. Thankfully, the door has opened once again for me to write and share with others. I have 54 years of experiences - and that's more than 54 experiences to share. I know not every one of them will find their way on paper, but most will. I started writing after Christmas one year. Mom said that if we wanted a present from Aunt Helen next year, we had to write a thank you letter to her this year. Mom told us this every year. I don't think thank you letters were our favorite thing to do after opening our gifts, but as the years went by, we always found time to write - because who doesn't want to get a gift at Christmas? It's funny, though, that the writing of thank you notes have gone by the wayside. After writing with a pen and having a cramped hand, I learned how to use a typewriters and those white-out strips for when you made a mistake. Thankfully I didn't have to use carbon paper. Then again, writing the same note only once would have been a great idea - just write in the name and make it as generic as possible. After typewriters came computers and email. You know how fast you can send a thank you note on a computer? In a split second. Then you're right back to playing with those new gadgets you got for Christmas.

Thankfully, I've had more fun writing letters than just a simple thank you note. I recently learned this team - stream of consciousness writing. I hadn't realized it, but I had been using it all along - whenever I was writing a letter to my grandma or to my mom when I was in college or a new mom. I had so much to say and just sort of rambled the words together (sort of like I'm doing now). But the receivers of the letters didn't mind at all. They said they loved reading my letters. I really should get back into do that - even if it's just typing them in an email. Atleast they're getting something from me. Both my parents are now deceased, as are my grandparents, and my husband. But I have two aunts that would still love to read a letter from me now and then. That would be the right thing to do.

We get so caught up in life - I know, I'm addicted to FB. I love to get on it several times a day to see what everyone's up to. I love to send out prayers to people or words of encouragement. I feel like I would miss so much if I ever walked away from it. But I can also see the advantage of not being on it all the time. Then when something happens in your life and you share it in person, they can't say, "Oh, I read that on FB!" Funny how that happens - we get so excited about things, the first place we go is to post it on FB. They say it's not official if it's not on FB! But as a writer, if you have a pet peeve for grammar and spelling - you can't complain about it on FB. Anything goes on there - pretty much. And everything is an acronym, except in little letters like lol, ikr, and even ones I don't care to right (or read).

So my title - it's time to talk about that! I am going to be a published author in September of this year. I'm so excited. The book title will be announced in August and then I can start promoting it even more. I've had the oppty to read some of the entries (chapters) and let me say, you will be inspired, maybe even challenged by the transformations people are sharing in their chapters. I hope you'll be inspired by my chapter. I'm on the upside of Barry's anniversary in heaven, and so I know the climb to the next mountain top is going to be amazing. I hope to continue to shine for Christ wherever I go, and with whatever I write. I know (Phil 4:13) I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. That's like my theme verse. The strength I've received from God has surely been present in my life  - all of it, really. And I thank Him for being there for me, loving me unconditionally - through whatever life has taken me.

If you haven't taken the opportunity to pre-order a copy of the book I have written in, then do so now - go to my website suecorbran.com and place an order via PayPal - just $15 (plus tax) for hand delivery within 2 hours of Meadville (or if you're going to KidMin in Chicago in Sept); or $23 (includes tax and shipping). All pre-ordered books will be signed by me with a personal message for you (or a friend, if designated). I look forward to sharing more with all of you in the days and weeks ahead. Watch for news on a prebook launch party in August - and a book signing party in late Sept or early Oct. Kudos to you - and happy writing right back at you!

It's easier said than done

I think that's my motto - It's easier said than done. To make yourself do something takes effort, especially if it's something you're not passionate about. For me, it's easy to sit down and start writing - it doesn't matter where the writing takes me, as long as I'm not writing in circles.

Have you ever driven in one of those round-a-bouts? Wow - if you get in the left lane, you could drive in circles and never get anywhere. You have to make a move to the right to get going. But if you're in the right lane on a 4-lane highway and you never pass anyone, you're not going to get to where you want to go very fast. And it's not always safer to drive in the right lane. Move to the left and keep going. It's not about staying on the left side or staying on the right side. You have to keep switching things up. You can't stay the same or keep doing the same thing, because if you do, you're still going to get the same results (I've heard that in the business world). You have to keep moving - even if it's just one step at a time, like getting out of bed everyday. Do one more thing every day until you've accomplished your goal. Then start over on the next goal.

So how do you decide which is the next goal? They say busy people get things done. But I have kept somewhat busy over the last two years with little accomplishment. I could blame that on the grief, and maybe that's acceptable; but I have to take some credit for the decisions I've made along the way. I know the first year and a half, I took a lot of trips - most were to visit the grandkids. These trips were really a way to escape the reality from what I needed to do. (work and make money).

I spent the last 32 years being a stay at home mom, only working PT here and there - to make some extra money - for extra activities. I was never responsible of being the sole provider - even between my two marriages, my parents helped out, along with child support. But I don't want to wait around either for a 3rd husband to pay my way. It's my turn to step up and shake off the anxiety of working, and just do it. I can say, I'm a whole lot closer to succeeding now than I was just a few months ago. The writing has helped break down some of those limitations, aka walls, that were built over the years. And I actually want to work now - compared to just having to work. It's definitely a mindset.

So what I need to do is decide on which goal to go after. I have several irons in the fire - Ambit Energy, Creative Memories, writing, Title Searching, and volunteering with children's ministry. I've been doing most of these things (except Title searching) for the last six months, with little progress - except writing the chapter for the book -which is already submitted). It's time to mix things up and work strong at one thing and make it work. I believe it's going to be the Title Searching - I just have to finish an online course - sort of a refresher course for me, and then take the steps to go to the courthouse and practice on a few family properties - and then introduce myself to the local lawyers. Yes, it's easier said than done. I started the course over a week ago, but then put it on hold to finish the chapter, but also volunteer for VBS. Both of those are done now. No more excuses, except for a meeting here and a lunch date there. One of these days, I will have a whole week available just for doing the Title Searching. I've got to give it a try - it could at least pay my car payment and health insurance, and maybe a few other things. That would be less money to take out of my savings - which is good.

I'm surely not writing this for people to feel sorry for me - I don't blame anyone but myself for where I am. I don't even blame God - He has been my strength through all of this. Sometimes I'm amazed that I've made it this far already. It will be two years in two weeks that Barry went to heaven. I need to be praising God that I'm still here - still moving forward - still wanting to learn more - still needing to honor Him in everything I do. I don't know how people make it through life without God by their side? Some do, they just don't do it well. I think I'm doing pretty good, considering. And I have a strong support team - in family and friends to lean on as I keep moving forward. I am fortunate, for sure.

So - tomorrow is already filled up with stuff to do out of the house - (unless it rains tomorrow night, then golf will be canceled and I can stay home and work on that course). Tues - I can work around a car maintenance appt, and Wed - I can work around a lunch date - then I have all day on Thurs and Fri to finish up this course - and maybe I can even get to the courthouse on one of those days to practice doing a title search. I'm excited, yet a bit nervous. Kind of afraid of messing up or looking stupid. But that's just part of life. I am going to mess up sometime and perhaps, I might even appear stupid - but I'm not because I am getting my life back now - and I need to do whatever it takes to get it done - I need to change that statement around to something like - "getting it done is easy, said I."

I just have to stay positive and not let anything else stop me from proceeding forward - no roadblocks allowed this week! Or next week. It's time to set my course - and go.

Thanks for the continued prayers - I really do appreciate them. (PS, and I'm going to keep blogging.)

A look backwards and forward

There's one advantage of growing older - being able to look back to see where you've been or where you've come from. Life experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly. We all have them, it's whether or not we want to share them with others. My son in law told me once that a good writer is authentic. Hmm, so what's he saying? I have to tell all - everything? Probably not, but what I do tell should be real to me - and not just a made up story - unless of course, it's a fictional story.

I do have the desire to write fiction for children. I have a book that sits on an imaginary shelf called Simon and His Unlikely Friends. I'm hoping to finish it this summer. I'm excited to make the time to sit down at the computer and type words onto a paper. It's comfortable and feels right.

I have some small goals laid out in front of me. One of them is to start working as a Title Searcher again. I did this job many moons ago - and loved it. It was like being an investigator, checking documents dated up to 60 years prior - looking for money owed on the properties, etc. And then finishing the search - and getting the pat on the back or the "good job" from my dad (who hired me), was well worth the effort put into it. Dad's no longer here, but that memory is tucked in for safe keeping - and will be a reminder to me to keep going. The prize is always worth it at the end.

And I'm keeping the Ambit business as I'm already registered for the annual convention in Dallas - and all of the perks that go with that. It's a great company - and has saved people a ton of money already, while others are earning an income that pays their mortgage or car payment. Currently, mine is paying my cell phone bill. Hey - you got to start somewhere! When I was a consultant with another home-based business, I used to lead team meetings and talk to people when I was out and about. I know I can find my way back to doing these things. Timing is everything.

And my love for children's ministry - glad to have the opportunity to teach the kids on the weekend - and volunteer, when possible for other kids' activities. I say, once a kid - always a kid. Having gray hair on my head is not going to stop me from going down slides on the playground and being on swings. God created me to love His children - and I do.

Back to life experiences, I hope my friends will consider purchasing the book I am collaborating in. It will be available after Sept 14, but you can pre-order it by going to my website - and using PayPal - just go to www.suecorbran.com  Having my own domain and website is amazing. I never thought I would do that - and here I am. I hope my chapter touches others and helps them realize that God is always there for you - no matter what life brings your way.

Let me add, when you're in the midst of brokenness, keep leaning on God - He is always there and will never leave you. Trust that He knows what's best for you. That's hard, but truly worth it in the end. Until next time...

This is my beautiful family. In this picture is Sarah and Justin from Nashville; Mike and Cara from Los Angeles; Joel and Alicia from Cambridge Springs; Jennifer from Cambridge Springs with Tyler from Waterford; Amy and Larry from Knoxville (with 6 kids); Heather and Cecil from Meadville (with 6 kids), and me.

We had three days of activities together including these family photos on Tues June 9, a cookout at Alicia and Joel's house on Wed June 10, and a trip to Waldameer Park on Thurs June 11. Everyone had a great time. (2015)

Although three of the girls (Alicia, Heather and Jennifer) are technically my stepdaughters - I have been a part of their family for 10 years and most definitely feel like they are my own kids. I am doubly blessed to have all of these kids to take care of - sending them birthday and anniversary cards, Christmas gifts. And the family will continue to grow, as there are four couples without children at this time. And maybe someday, God will provide another husband for me - who has a big family. Only He knows that answer.

Perhaps we'll be able to get together every two years for a family photo. In 2017, my immediate family will be hosting a reunion, to honor what would have been our parents' 65th wedding anniversary. If everyone comes, there will be 53+ (not including my cousins).  Fun times.