To be defined

How many times do you really think about yourself and how it is you came to be? We're not talking about the facts of life, this time. But of how life has molded you. You're not only a product of your mom and dad, but also of your environment, you family values and sometimes values that come from other people - maybe it's the sorority you're in or part of the basketball team. You tend to fit in as needed in some circumstances, even though that might really be who you are.

Growing up - I don't know if we were rich. People would say we must be because we had a station wagon or we lived in a house with more than one bathroom. I know my dad had a good job. He was a lawyer and my mom was at home with us. I suppose she kept busy with other things besides laundry and cooking. Actually, her cooking rubbed off on me. Haha. I say that jokingly of course - I don't think she really loved to cook and I know I don't even like to cook, unless it's baking a cake or cookies. I will cook, when necessary. But if I can get away with sandwiches, cereal and fried eggs all week, I'm good. 

Anyway, like I was saying earlier - we're defined by who we hang out with. My mom (loved her and miss her) didn't even get a paying job until I was in high school. And I'm the youngest. She worked at a greenhouse watering plants. I suppose she did other things, maybe like transplanting plants into bigger pots, or starting cuttings and anything else you do in a greenhouse. It wasn't an income to support yourself on, but gave her some extra spending money to invest in, perhaps. She was in an investment club too. I know she was involved in a garden club - they probably just sit around and talk about flowers. And she was in a bridge club (no, they didn't build bridges - though I might have thought that when I was younger). Mom kept busy. She had lots of friends. I remember she rarely walked out of the house without a skirt on. She barely wore pants. And never jeans. Though - I did see her in jeans once, after she lived out in the country. I almost fainted. And I say this, because when I was in high school, I was not allowed to wear jeans to school. I could wear pants but they were either polyester or corderoy. I was allowed to wear skirts and dresses - ya know, be lady like. No - that's not for me. I remember sneaking out of the house wearing jeans, on days when I knew I wouldn't see my mom when I got home from school, so it could be like, I changed very quickly when I got home. I don't think I ever fooled her. My sister wore jeans to school. She bought them with her own money. I guess I didn't have any money of my own, lol.

I miss my mom. She died in Jan 2011 from severe emphysema. My dad died in June 2008 from pancreatic cancer. I miss him too. I wrote about spending time fishing with him in another post. My mom and I would work on puzzles together. Actually, the last year or so, she would sit in her sun room at her condo (same development I live in now), and watch me work on her puzzle. We would sit and have sandwiches together and just talk and share. She would want to know about all of the kids and their activities. That's one thing I miss - now that mom is gone, I don't even know what's going on with my own brothers and sister. Mom would be the one to share any info across the state lines (or township lines as is with my one brother and sister and me). I do try to keep in touch with them, but I need to do a better job at it. Here they live in the same town as me, and I barely see them. Life has a way of getting in our way - and keeping us from staying connected with those we love. Thankfully, most of the family is on Facebook. So when you do finally get together, they'd be like, "Oh, I saw that on FB." and the conversation stops - because they already know what you wanted to tell them and there's nothing else to say. I suppose, not sharing everything on FB would be the ideal solution. But, we have more than family on FB. I have close to 900 friends on FB. They say, everyone knows atleast 2000 people. I am sure I do - but not necessarily want to be FB friends with them. lol. And I do know some people that aren't even on FB, hard to imagine what kind of life they really have. Gosh, they probably have normal conversations around the supper table. Actually, these are people that probably don't even have a smart phone. And so they know their families likes and dislikes because they've talked to them. Now - I'm just kidding, though I am sure that might be true for some people. I think it's bad when you walk into a restaurant and you see a family sitting at the table waiting for their food and the mom and dad are on their smart phones, and the kids are playing with an ipod or ipad. And then the food comes, they transfer their device to the hand that doesn't hold the fork and they continue eating. That's sad. I wish that I could be bold enough to walk over to their table and tell them they're missing out on the greatest treasure of their life - their kids. Maybe they should do that in that TV show - What Would You Do?. But it's reality. It's the way things are these days. It's what's defining them. It's sad.

To be defined. I know that I am defined by my upbringing, my environment, my life with two husbands, my life as a single person, my relationship with God, and probably a few other things. Acutally, I can't be defined, because I am still growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and yes, physically (not up, but out. lol). I don't want to be the same person I was when I was 20. Gosh, I can barely remember 20 - that was almost 34 years ago. My oldest daughter will be 32 on her birthday, my son will be 30 and my youngest will be 25. Wow - where do the time go. And their lives will be defined also - by the same things mentioned above. I hope we all will be able to be defined more by our relationship with God, than say their upbringing. Their dad and I were divorced after 14 years of marriage. There were good times, yes; but there was also difficult times. And I don't want the difficult times to define my kids. And I definitely don't want any of the trials and struggles I have been through to define me either. I want to be defined by God. And in order to do that, I believe I need to spend more time getting to know Him, through His Word, through prayer and Bible study. I need to know Him well - for He has known me before I was even born. And thank goodness, He has loved me no matter what stupid things I have done in my life! He loves me unconditionally.

It's not that I never knew that before - that God loves us no matter what - but this past year, it was like an aha moment and it felt comforting to me. After my late husband died, I've been trying to determine what it is I'm supposed to be doing or supposed to be. I had been defined as a stay at home mom for many years though I did work some part time jobs here and there to make some extra money - for activities or vacations. But I have never felt more defined by God than I have recently. Maybe it's just traveling on their road of grief. I don't know. Last year, I was able to invest in myself by joining an ambitious woman success club. It has helped md gain some confidence back.  I was in stand-by for the year and a half when Barry was going through the cancer and dying. The focus was always on him or about him. And that was okay, really. I don't even need the focus on me now - but having it occassionally helps me stay confident in myself. I have a lot of things I like to do, but only a few things I'm passionate about. I love children's ministry - ever since I gave birth to my oldest daughter Amy. It was about the same time that I had accepted Christ as my personal Savior and so I wanted to share that joy with others - and especially with my own children. And so I helped teach Sunday school as my kids grew up; and then eventually became the Director of Children's Ministry at a church in GA. When we moved to PA, I continued to be active in church, as were my kids. Church was my family - the people in it were my sisters and brothers in Christ. I knew that wherever God led me, I would be active in the local church. And so it's been that way for all these years. My other passion is writing (can you tell?). I have loved to write since I was in 7th grade study hall - had all my homework done, and so I would just sit and write stories to help pass the time away. I have been living my life - through ups and downs now for many years - which means that I have a lot of material for future books. And now I have some time - or better said, I have made the time to sit down and write. To journal my thoughts, and tell my stories. And if no one reads them, that's ok. It's very theraputic for me to write (or type as I am doing right now). Once in awhile, I will write using a pen or pencil. But the arthritis in my hands creep in and I just can't produce as many pages as with typing. My other passion is helping people - I think this is my gift of service from God. It's just that I have to be careful not to overextend this service where I feel obligated to serve. This has happened a few times (won't mention names) but I have learned, or I'm learning now - to continue to lean on God and wait for His guidance in this area. One of the jobs I currently have is helping people preserve their family photos into scrapbook albums. Actually, I am just getting started once again with this. I was consulting for six years but put it on hold during my marriage to Barry. Becoming a step-mom was important, and I needed to be available for his three daughters and my kids, as well. My other income job is helping people save money on their gas and electric bills. This is a slow but steady job. People are still very skeptical about change; though you would think people wouldn't mind helping someone they know get back up on their feet - but as it is, they would rather purchase products they may never use. (which is why I started the creative memories back up - well - mostly to help people - but I might as well take advantage of those who would rather purchase something than save money!)

So to be defined. I choose to be defined by God. My parents did a pretty good job raising me - with good morals and values; and I carried those through my two marriages (for the most part), but I want my lineage to be of God because that's where I have chosen to spend my eternity, when the time comes for me to die. And it will. Death is inevitable. We don't like to talk about it - but it will find us somewhere along this journey called life. And when it does, I will be ready. And I hope and pray that my family - my kids and stepkids, grandchildren, great grandchildren (some day), my friends and acquaintences also choose to follow God in their daily walk. No matter what happens to you - no matter where you are on the pathway - God loves you all the time! So - I could probably continue writing, but am going to stop for now - I think I actually made the point of the title this time - it took a couple posts - but I'm getting the hang of this writing - or should I say, blogging. And for those who actually took their time to read this - WOW - you are awesome! God loves you, no matter what!!!