Sharing an older post from May 2009

Below is a post I wrote back in May, 2009, after our house had burned down. I was taking a peek at my previous blogs and this one caught my eye. I like it because I acknowledged the strength of God through the adversity. I am glad I did - and I hope I will continue to do that in the years to come. I know I have a lot to learn yet, but I have so much to be thankful for even today. I am thankful for God - that no matter what happens in our lives, He is ever present in our lives and He continues to love us unconditionally. Feel free to read any of the other posts I have in the five blogs displayed - once you get to one of them - just click on Corbran Family and it will take you to where the other blogs are. Thanks. Sue


Who was I kidding? Closure?

I was back at the house again this morning and then again, this afternoon. Still looking through the ashes. I guess I don't have closure yet. Just trying to find one more thing - anything. I did find some more silverware - we should have close to a set now. I took a pic of Amy's baby shoe (it's already on the site). When I went back this afternoon - I found some of Mike's drawings and a notebook. I grabbed them - even with the smoky smell and the burnt edges. Some people burn their pages on purpose to make them authentic.

I guess there won't be closure til the house is taken down and hauled away. It's mind boggling - to see all what was lost. Every day I am reminded of something else that was in our bedroom. I'm glad our new house is going to have a fire wall between the garage and the house (not to say that all fires start in garages) - better to protect one place.

And I think I told you already -that we have a new waterproof, fireproof safe. The waterproof is a big deal. All of our other papers and documents were wet. We had to find a place to spread them out separately and dry them, so they would not stick together.

Our questions are coming. Why now? Even though it was inevitable - why couldn't it have started when Heather wasn't home? Do you wonder sometimes why things happen when they do? Barry is called the Modern Day Job - but I hope not -cause the one and only Job in the Bible lost his children, too. Within the last five years, Barry lost his first wife to cancer (brain tumor) in May of 2004; his mom to cancer (lung) in Jan. 2008; his father in law (my dad) to cancer (pancreatic) in June 2008; and now his house - to a fire (April 2009). But he's the ever ready bunny and keeps going. His faith is strong. He knows that God will continue to take care of him - no matter what happens.

I knew his wife, Malinda. We were friends at church. I watched Barry take care of her - even at the hardest times- with the cancer or when she had hip surgery - and during her last days. I admired that in him. His compassion, his strength, his love. We all know where it came from - our heavenly Father - who watches over us day in and day out.

I was telling Amy and my mom recently - but it's sort of ironic - but just a week or so before the fire I was wondering if something terrible happened to me - how would I react to it? Would I still be able to show Christ to others, despite any pain or suffering? Well - here I am - telling you the truth. God is awesome. He picks us up and carries us - all the way through the pain and suffering. I know I couldn't do it without Him and I'm sure Barry would say the same.

So back to the Why now? Not sure - suppose I'll find out someday. But for now - I can't do anything about it - nor could I have prevented it from happening. It did. Now is the time to move on. Soon we'll be taking pictures of people hauling our stuff out of the house - off the grass - out of the garage and even out of our friends' garage (where some stuff is located that needs to be thrown out). It's a long process (Barry's favorite word). But God is supplying the patience for us - cause we are asking for it everyday. We are also asking for strength. It's not that we doubt the Lord is there to take care of us - it's that we need to ask God everyday for things. He wants to hear from us. He wants us to acknowledge our need for Him in our lives. And, it makes us feel better when we do talk to Him on a daily basis.

We have to stay strong - for the others that look up to us. Maybe even people that might go through the same thing in the years to come. We don't know. Only God knows. He is in control. We love Him so much. He is our Lord and Savior.

We hope that others will see Christ in us and will want that for themselves. It's surely not an easy road to travel on - but it's definitely worth it. We have hope in our Lord. He will take care of us.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (finish reading through verse 8)

God is using us for His glory. We should feel honored that our faith in Him is strong - our love is strong and our witness is strong. We should be asking God everyday to use us - to do His will.

Continue to pray for us - with us - and for your own walk in Christ.

Have a great week in the Lord.

Russian Dolls

Have you ever played with Russian Dolls? They're usually a set of 5 of 6 wooden dolls that fit inside of each other. They only fit together one way, but if one or two were misplaced or lost, the others would still fit together. Some people take all of them apart and set them on the mantel to represent the members of their own family. When I was growing up, there would have been six dolls on the mantel.

In my family, the tallest doll represented my dad, the head of our household. Dad worked as a lawyer, so he was out of the house Monday through Friday every week except when we went on vacations. Thankfully, he had the weekends off and we could spend time with him around the house, doing yard work or watching golf on the TV. I remember raking leaves with Dad, sled riding in the winter time, fishing during the first day of trout season, and building sandcastles at the beach. He was surely a year-round dad. He took an interest in our activities, such as going to all of our basketball games, chorus concerts or musicals.

And of course, by his side was my mom, the second doll in the collection. My mom chose to stay at home and be there for us when we got home from school. Mom was the provider of love, comfort, concern, and compassion. She was involved in many other clubs and activities and had plenty of friends. Some would come over to our house and they would sit out on the patio or in the living room and talk. My parents were in a supper club. Each month they would either host a supper or attend one at a friends' house. During one of the parties, Mom gave us dinner ahead of time and then sent us upstairs to stay out of the way. Or was it to stay out of sight. I remember sneaking down into the kitchen now and then for some snacks. Their friends would see me and say hello. So I would join them in conversation, just long enough to grab some snacks and head back upstairs before being spotted by mom or dad. It's not that we would have been grounded or anything, we were just not invited to attend. My memory of these parties happened while we lived on Sunset Dr - which would have been in my preteen - teen years.

The next doll would represent my oldest brother who is 8 years older than me. When I was little, I shared a room with both of my brothers for awhile, but I don't really remember spending too much time hanging out with him while I was growing up. I do remember the big hole he dug at the beach in Maine. It was so deep, he could stand up in it but wouldn't have been able to see him unless you were right upon him. I recall a time when he protected me from a neighbor's dog. Of course, this memory could have also come from looking at the scrapbooks from when we were young. By the time I was ten, he was off to college. During his first marriage, he lived in Florida, so I spent one of my spring breaks down at his house and visited Circus World, and Sea World, where he happened to be working. This marriage ended in a divorce, but later he was blessed with a second wife and they had two sons and two daughters. Although we rarely spent time together, I know I can still count on him to help me out when needed.

The next doll would represent my sister who is 4 years older than me. We became close after we were both married with children. With more things in common, we could lean on each other for advice and wisdom. She had a tough first marriage as well, and divorced the following year of my own divorce. And then God blessed us each with a second husband. She married her second husband a year after Barry and I were married. We both have three kids - though she has three sons and I have two daughters and one son. And we both are grandmas. Therefore, we have plenty in common and are able to support each other. I am certainly blessed with this sister of mine.

The next doll would be my other brother who is just 1 1/2 years older than I am. I think we played together the most, out of all the family members. I know we shared a room when we were little. And after we were both married, we lived in GA about the same time and every time he visited me at my church he would stand beside me and ask someone else, "do you think we look like twins?" Well, twins maybe in the face - but he is more than six inches taller than me. This brother married and has a son and a daughter. Therefore, my kids have a lot of cousins, and they're all close to each other.

And then the last doll, the smallest one inside the doll is me, the baby of the family. There's no changing that. No matter how old I get, I will always be the youngest of the family. I remember my mom telling me that she felt like her siblings didn't pay much attention to her because she was the youngest, or the baby of the four children in her family. I feel that way too. I don't have much in common, business wise, with anyone in my family; so the conversations end quickly. I know it's not their intention, but sometimes I just feel lonely. But I know I will never be alone - for God is always with me.

So how do you break out? You're stuck inside this Russian doll. You can only get out of it when the others break open their doll and let another one out. I think the idea is that once you're outside of the other dolls you have to make a stand for what you believe in and decide who you want to be. To do that, you first have to trust in God and have faith that He will carry your through the trials and struggles that come your way. He will give you the strength to say, "No, I don't want to go back inside the doll. I have a purpose and I will make a difference in this world with God on my side, if I get to stay on the outside." You need to believe in yourself and stand your ground. At some point, you might have to shout out - to get the attention of the others, to share your passion with them. The last thing you should do is to remain quiet, because then, before you know it, they will put you put back inside the Russian doll.

This is what I must do. I need to be bold. I need to identify my purpose in life and then share it with my family. And even if they choose not to support me in my endeavour, I can stand strong because God will be by my side for the rest of my life. I choose to remain outside of the doll.

To be defined

How many times do you really think about yourself and how it is you came to be? We're not talking about the facts of life, this time. But of how life has molded you. You're not only a product of your mom and dad, but also of your environment, you family values and sometimes values that come from other people - maybe it's the sorority you're in or part of the basketball team. You tend to fit in as needed in some circumstances, even though that might really be who you are.

Growing up - I don't know if we were rich. People would say we must be because we had a station wagon or we lived in a house with more than one bathroom. I know my dad had a good job. He was a lawyer and my mom was at home with us. I suppose she kept busy with other things besides laundry and cooking. Actually, her cooking rubbed off on me. Haha. I say that jokingly of course - I don't think she really loved to cook and I know I don't even like to cook, unless it's baking a cake or cookies. I will cook, when necessary. But if I can get away with sandwiches, cereal and fried eggs all week, I'm good. 

Anyway, like I was saying earlier - we're defined by who we hang out with. My mom (loved her and miss her) didn't even get a paying job until I was in high school. And I'm the youngest. She worked at a greenhouse watering plants. I suppose she did other things, maybe like transplanting plants into bigger pots, or starting cuttings and anything else you do in a greenhouse. It wasn't an income to support yourself on, but gave her some extra spending money to invest in, perhaps. She was in an investment club too. I know she was involved in a garden club - they probably just sit around and talk about flowers. And she was in a bridge club (no, they didn't build bridges - though I might have thought that when I was younger). Mom kept busy. She had lots of friends. I remember she rarely walked out of the house without a skirt on. She barely wore pants. And never jeans. Though - I did see her in jeans once, after she lived out in the country. I almost fainted. And I say this, because when I was in high school, I was not allowed to wear jeans to school. I could wear pants but they were either polyester or corderoy. I was allowed to wear skirts and dresses - ya know, be lady like. No - that's not for me. I remember sneaking out of the house wearing jeans, on days when I knew I wouldn't see my mom when I got home from school, so it could be like, I changed very quickly when I got home. I don't think I ever fooled her. My sister wore jeans to school. She bought them with her own money. I guess I didn't have any money of my own, lol.

I miss my mom. She died in Jan 2011 from severe emphysema. My dad died in June 2008 from pancreatic cancer. I miss him too. I wrote about spending time fishing with him in another post. My mom and I would work on puzzles together. Actually, the last year or so, she would sit in her sun room at her condo (same development I live in now), and watch me work on her puzzle. We would sit and have sandwiches together and just talk and share. She would want to know about all of the kids and their activities. That's one thing I miss - now that mom is gone, I don't even know what's going on with my own brothers and sister. Mom would be the one to share any info across the state lines (or township lines as is with my one brother and sister and me). I do try to keep in touch with them, but I need to do a better job at it. Here they live in the same town as me, and I barely see them. Life has a way of getting in our way - and keeping us from staying connected with those we love. Thankfully, most of the family is on Facebook. So when you do finally get together, they'd be like, "Oh, I saw that on FB." and the conversation stops - because they already know what you wanted to tell them and there's nothing else to say. I suppose, not sharing everything on FB would be the ideal solution. But, we have more than family on FB. I have close to 900 friends on FB. They say, everyone knows atleast 2000 people. I am sure I do - but not necessarily want to be FB friends with them. lol. And I do know some people that aren't even on FB, hard to imagine what kind of life they really have. Gosh, they probably have normal conversations around the supper table. Actually, these are people that probably don't even have a smart phone. And so they know their families likes and dislikes because they've talked to them. Now - I'm just kidding, though I am sure that might be true for some people. I think it's bad when you walk into a restaurant and you see a family sitting at the table waiting for their food and the mom and dad are on their smart phones, and the kids are playing with an ipod or ipad. And then the food comes, they transfer their device to the hand that doesn't hold the fork and they continue eating. That's sad. I wish that I could be bold enough to walk over to their table and tell them they're missing out on the greatest treasure of their life - their kids. Maybe they should do that in that TV show - What Would You Do?. But it's reality. It's the way things are these days. It's what's defining them. It's sad.

To be defined. I know that I am defined by my upbringing, my environment, my life with two husbands, my life as a single person, my relationship with God, and probably a few other things. Acutally, I can't be defined, because I am still growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and yes, physically (not up, but out. lol). I don't want to be the same person I was when I was 20. Gosh, I can barely remember 20 - that was almost 34 years ago. My oldest daughter will be 32 on her birthday, my son will be 30 and my youngest will be 25. Wow - where do the time go. And their lives will be defined also - by the same things mentioned above. I hope we all will be able to be defined more by our relationship with God, than say their upbringing. Their dad and I were divorced after 14 years of marriage. There were good times, yes; but there was also difficult times. And I don't want the difficult times to define my kids. And I definitely don't want any of the trials and struggles I have been through to define me either. I want to be defined by God. And in order to do that, I believe I need to spend more time getting to know Him, through His Word, through prayer and Bible study. I need to know Him well - for He has known me before I was even born. And thank goodness, He has loved me no matter what stupid things I have done in my life! He loves me unconditionally.

It's not that I never knew that before - that God loves us no matter what - but this past year, it was like an aha moment and it felt comforting to me. After my late husband died, I've been trying to determine what it is I'm supposed to be doing or supposed to be. I had been defined as a stay at home mom for many years though I did work some part time jobs here and there to make some extra money - for activities or vacations. But I have never felt more defined by God than I have recently. Maybe it's just traveling on their road of grief. I don't know. Last year, I was able to invest in myself by joining an ambitious woman success club. It has helped md gain some confidence back.  I was in stand-by for the year and a half when Barry was going through the cancer and dying. The focus was always on him or about him. And that was okay, really. I don't even need the focus on me now - but having it occassionally helps me stay confident in myself. I have a lot of things I like to do, but only a few things I'm passionate about. I love children's ministry - ever since I gave birth to my oldest daughter Amy. It was about the same time that I had accepted Christ as my personal Savior and so I wanted to share that joy with others - and especially with my own children. And so I helped teach Sunday school as my kids grew up; and then eventually became the Director of Children's Ministry at a church in GA. When we moved to PA, I continued to be active in church, as were my kids. Church was my family - the people in it were my sisters and brothers in Christ. I knew that wherever God led me, I would be active in the local church. And so it's been that way for all these years. My other passion is writing (can you tell?). I have loved to write since I was in 7th grade study hall - had all my homework done, and so I would just sit and write stories to help pass the time away. I have been living my life - through ups and downs now for many years - which means that I have a lot of material for future books. And now I have some time - or better said, I have made the time to sit down and write. To journal my thoughts, and tell my stories. And if no one reads them, that's ok. It's very theraputic for me to write (or type as I am doing right now). Once in awhile, I will write using a pen or pencil. But the arthritis in my hands creep in and I just can't produce as many pages as with typing. My other passion is helping people - I think this is my gift of service from God. It's just that I have to be careful not to overextend this service where I feel obligated to serve. This has happened a few times (won't mention names) but I have learned, or I'm learning now - to continue to lean on God and wait for His guidance in this area. One of the jobs I currently have is helping people preserve their family photos into scrapbook albums. Actually, I am just getting started once again with this. I was consulting for six years but put it on hold during my marriage to Barry. Becoming a step-mom was important, and I needed to be available for his three daughters and my kids, as well. My other income job is helping people save money on their gas and electric bills. This is a slow but steady job. People are still very skeptical about change; though you would think people wouldn't mind helping someone they know get back up on their feet - but as it is, they would rather purchase products they may never use. (which is why I started the creative memories back up - well - mostly to help people - but I might as well take advantage of those who would rather purchase something than save money!)

So to be defined. I choose to be defined by God. My parents did a pretty good job raising me - with good morals and values; and I carried those through my two marriages (for the most part), but I want my lineage to be of God because that's where I have chosen to spend my eternity, when the time comes for me to die. And it will. Death is inevitable. We don't like to talk about it - but it will find us somewhere along this journey called life. And when it does, I will be ready. And I hope and pray that my family - my kids and stepkids, grandchildren, great grandchildren (some day), my friends and acquaintences also choose to follow God in their daily walk. No matter what happens to you - no matter where you are on the pathway - God loves you all the time! So - I could probably continue writing, but am going to stop for now - I think I actually made the point of the title this time - it took a couple posts - but I'm getting the hang of this writing - or should I say, blogging. And for those who actually took their time to read this - WOW - you are awesome! God loves you, no matter what!!!

Onward I go

Onward I go...somedays I could write all day long. For one of my writing lessons, I wrote for four hours straight - over 8 pages. And it was just this stream of consciousness writing - where you just write whatever you want and it doesn't even have to make sense. Actually, a lot of my writing seems that way. Just like in the first story in this blog. I started out writing about one thing and suddenly, I was in the middle of a stream fishing with my dad.

Words are like that in my head - just everywhere, but nowhere in particular. In school, I was a good speller but lousy at vocabulary. Actually, things haven't changed much. I still have trouble with comprehension. I suppose that's why I studied elementary education - so I could leave the dictionary and thesaurus at home. I do enjoy playing scrabble though. Both of my parents played well - they knew many more words than I did. But it was also an opportunity to learn them. I about memorized many of the two letter words and the words that started with a q, not a qu. My mom loved doing crossword puzzles and so she knew many words, some foreign - or should I say, many were foreign to me. And now when I play against my son who has his PhD and I rarely beat him. But when I do - everyone hears about it.

I love to play board games or card games with friends and family. When I was growing up, we had storage benches in our family room - and sometimes you had to dig all the way to the bottom to find all of the monopoly pieces or the dice for parcheesi. When my kids were younger, every Thursday night was family night for one year. We would mix it up and watch movies together, but mostly we played board games with them. Now I have several shelves full of games, but they're gathering dust because it's only me in the house. So I like to encourage game nights at church. I'm like the game lady, because I walk in carrying two shoulder bags full  - dominoes, Jenga, backgammon, yahtzee, rack-o, phase 10 and more. You just have to know how to have fun. And most games do require at least two players, I could get away with playing Jenga all by myself, but what would be the fun in that when it falls over. I do have several solitaire games I can play, but usually I opt to play a game called Words with Friends on the computer. It's similar to scrabble, except that no one can challenge you because you can't put down a misspelled word. It can be addicting like the game Candy Crush. The first time I started playing that I was like, why is everyone playing this all the time. And then I reached some challenging levels. Challenging so much that I was even dishing out 99 cents to buy more lives so I could keep playing. After spending $5, I realized how addicted I had become and stopped playing it. I have returned to the game once in awhile, but never so much that I couldn't stop without paying.

The other game I enjoy playing on my kindle is Spider Solitaire. You can choose to play with 1, 2, 3 or 4 suits. Playing with 4 suits is the most challenging one. I have played and won a few,  but lost probably close to 100. I love the 3 suit game. You can undo all the way back to the start or you can just replay the game. Some games I replay 3 or 4 times until I beat it. You can remember where some of the cards are - that's helpful. I have to be careful not to play into the night. This has become one of the things I do before I go to bed - play all the games with Words with Friends and then one or two games of spider solitaire. Unfortunately, I'm not playing any tonight, because my kindle decided to die on me. It's over three years old, so probably on its last leg anyway. But I have many books and a couple CD's worth of songs on it - and hope I can i-cloud it over to a new kindle. I really need to get that soon - as I will be babysitting for one of our pastors for five days at the end of this month (April 2015), and so I need to use it for reading purposes. I must mention one other game on it is called 2048. It's a numbers game. You just slide the numbers down and across and they add together and the goal is to get a tile with 2048 on it. I've gotten a 1024 and a 512 and lower - but have not beat the game yet. My daughter Sarah introduced this to me. She's my math person. She majored in math in college and then got a master's degree in statistics. And she prefers to use a calculator when adding. Funny. Anyway, so there you have it - the games I love.

I am also known by my life group as the movie lady - I have a collection of mostly faith-based movies and I love to share them with others. I alphabetized them on my shelf and printed out the list for my friends to borrow. Currently, the most popular ones are the Downton Abbey Collection - seasons 1-5. I also have several of the Duck Dynasty DVD's. I have trouble saying no to solicitors and the one group - Feature Films for the Family - always get me to buy their dvd's. Now they are good and decent movies for anyone to watch. It's just that they're $15 each - and now they come in a cardboard folder. Though they say, the more you buy, the less expensive it becomes. And they love to set you up on a monthly payment plan so really, you don't realize how much you're actually paying. Well, I do love to support faith based movies - I just need to slow down and not do this every year. Eventually, I'll have to invest in another shelf - and then, where would I put it.

Well, onward I go only got me inside my condo. Nowhere special - not even out and about. Hopefully the next time - we can do just that. But like I stated earlier - you never know where my words are going to take you. So I'm going to stop for now.

Where I am - getting started again

Here I am - sitting at my desk and looking out my bedroom window - no green leaves on the trees yet, just old oak leaves still scattered about the grass. The warmth of the sun through the window feels good. Spring is here, though there are still many things that we usually identify with spring not here yet - cherry blossoms, dogwood trees in bloom. The daffodils are just starting to open up and smile. Before you know it - the bees will be buzzing about looking for their favorite flowers for nectar. I am glad the piles of snow are gone. We had a long winter - it was bitterly cold in Jan and Feb. Spring had better stick around and chase out any other chances of flurries. It's only mid April. We've had snow flurries as late as May 26, which also happens to be my birthday. I would rather see the sun and temps in the 70's on my day.

I am excited to get back into writing. It's always been a passion of mine, since I was young. And now I have made an investment in me - joined a writing club and will have a story published in just a few months. And then, the skies the limit.

I have written a few other blogs, one was based solely on the rebuilding of our house after it was burned down in 2009. Another with a similar title to this - Around Robin Hood's Barn -started as a way for me to share the stories of my childhood. But sadly, most of those stories are only written on paper, and not shared yet in this venue.

So here I am - in a new place which I am calling Just Around Robin Hood's Barn. I love that phrase. I remember as a child jumping into the car with my parents and asking, "where are we going?" and one of them would answer, "Just around Robin Hood's Barn", which really meant just out and about and nowhere special. My parents knew every back road in the county and probably other counties as well.

My dad could find the fishing streams on the first day of trout season. I would get up early in the morning with our lunches all packed for a days' worth of fishing. My dad loved to fly fish. Which meant standing in the stream with waders on - holding a long pole and moving it back and forth so that the fake fly at the end of the line would fly through the air and eventually land on top of the water, so then a fish would spot it and gobble it up for lunch. But as it was, Dad would move the pole back and forth and the fly would find it's way into a shrub or tree on the other side of the stream. At that point, he would say, "Susan, please help me untangle my line" "Sure, Dad." and thankfully, I too had waders on, and I would carefully walk through the water, trying not to slip on the algae covered rocks - and find my way to the other side and hunt for his fly. I loved to go fishing with my dad. He taught me all sorts of things about fishing. But mostly, it was a time to just sit and fish and learn to be quiet and patient. I fished with a regular rod and reel that had a line with a hook on the end. Dad taught me how to hold the worm and slide the hook right into it and then weave it back and forth so it would stay on for a long time, even after a few nibbles. I think the fish liked the worms better than the fly, because I caught several fish each time we went out.

This is why I love to write - I start down one road and before you know it, I'm on a totally different one going in another direction. So I suppose this blog will serve two purposes (intertwined too, as you can see). Sharing some stories from my life, and sharing thoughts where I am now and where I hope to be in the next few years. Although everyone is given a new day every morning to do with what they want, not everyone knows just how that will all pan out. When I was married the first time, I thought I would be married for the rest of my life - to that man. We would grow old together. But it wasn't meant to be - well, I chose not to let it happen. And so several years later, I found myself in love with another man. This one would surely be the one I would be married to for the rest of my life. Nope, God said no, not this time either. So I became a widow at the age of 52. Crazy.

So then it was like starting over. It's been almost two years since Barry died. I am surviving widowhood. I wasn't sure at the beginning because the pain in my heart was so strong - like it was ripped in two. Healing takes time - and I know it might not be healed totally til I myself get to heaven. I'm ok with that. I am thankful to have a relationship with Jesus every day - and know the daily strength comes from Him/God. I will reflect on those first two years another time. I am just glad to be back to writing and sharing - even if it's just me who reads it. May God continue to watch over me and you today and forever.