written but never mailed - a goodbye letter

I went to a grief recovery class in the fall of 2013, just a few months after Barry went to heaven. I was surprised at the different things that qualified as a loss - such as moving from state to state, changing schools across town, changes in friendships, etc. I used to think loss was only about divorce and death. The class was great and one of the lessons recommended writing a closure letter - writing down things left unsaid and then say goodbye; it was certainly very therapeutic. So I decided to include parts of the letter here; perhaps by reading it, you'll be able to get some things said before you have to deal with a loss.

(Barry died on 7-19-2013)

Dear Barry,

I miss you. This life without you in it is very hard – harder than I ever imagined. But it is doable. Some days, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I know you would understand – because you went through this grieving process when Malinda died. Just 8 ½ years ago – you swept me off my feet when you called me from Disney World. I had no clue that you liked me that much. It meant a lot – and really helped get the ball rolling in our relationship. I needed you – and you needed me. I truly believe we were meant to be together – even if it was just for a short time. It was definitely a God-thing. 

So, I’ve had this chance to review our relationship (oh, how I wished it had lasted longer than this. I will always cherish our moments together.) I want to apologize to you, Barry, for being so needy. I know for awhile you must have thought that I was overbearing – always wanting to be with you – by your side.  Thanks for accepting me unconditionally. You showed me what love is all about – God first and then us. Thank you for bringing Him back into my daily walk.

Barry, I apologize for being sarcastic at times and/or finishing your sentences. I know that bothered you. There were times I didn’t give you a chance to say exactly what you wanted. I’m sorry for that. And I apologize for getting upset when you didn’t (couldn’t) hear me the first or second time I told you something. I was so relieved when you finally let me buy hearing aids for you (in 2011). That was six years of me saying to you – I love you – and you not hearing me or thinking I said something else. That was frustrating to me – so Barry, I apologize for over reacting to something you couldn’t control at the time.

Although our marriage only went for a little over 8 years, we had our ups and downs. Barry, I forgive you for being a workaholic. I don’t even think you realized it. Your mom even told me you were one. I think your focus was always providing the best that you could – for your family – and so if that took a little more time in the day, you did it. But you working a lot was hard for me – because when we were dating, we spent a lot of time together. 

Barry, I forgive you for always being available to other people – to help them with projects, etc. This sort of goes with the first one – but I know deep down that this was one of your gifts from God. So it was me being jealous of others who got to spend time with you. So Barry, I apologize for that.

Of course, when cancer came into our life – I got you back all to myself. But the chemo took away your strength and slowed your life down. It made it almost impossible for us to spend any alone time together. I know that it was really God who was preparing me to lean on Him for comfort and other things. But I love you so much. I know you missed this time, too. So I'm, sorry you felt left out or lonely – when again, you had no control over the circumstances.

Barry, I want you to know that I will always cherish this time we had together. I will always thank God for putting us together. You were my Knight in Shining Armor. You loved me unconditionally, the way that God loves each of us. Thank you.

Barry, I want you to know that I really appreciated the fact that you loved my children and grandchildren, as if they were biologically yours! Amy, Mike and Sarah each have a special place in their hearts for you – as I do. And your grandkids – Natalie, Alyssa, Lauren, and Noah. They all love you and miss you so much. But you will live in them. They share your love for ministry. You would be so proud of them. I remember in our vows to each other – you said you would love and take care of my kids the best you could. And you did that! Thank you so much, my Barry!

Barry, I want you to know how much I loved you when you were here. I just couldn’t get enough of you. And I know that you were always doing your best to please me. You built this house for us – but you also built it so that I could have a house to call our own. I loved building the decks with you and the deer stand. I loved hunting with you and helping you drag them back to the house. I loved those trips we went on – with and without our kids. I’m so glad that I got to take you west of OH! We had so much fun together. And I still have 6 messages on my voice mail – that I continue to listen to  - to hear your voice –to hear the love you have for me – while you sing to me. And I love to watch that video of you dancing – the one Mike took at Waldameer, when you didn’t expect to be taped. You surely have some moves.

Barry, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you taught me – to enjoy life to it’s fullest. To be able to dance out in public and not worry what others are thinking. To sing to your heart’s content. And that everything is a process.

Barry, I want you to know that it was my pleasure to take care of you when you had cancer. It wasn’t always easy, but I know God was with us every step of the way.

Barry, I want you to know that I will continue to love God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my strength. He will be #1 in my life always. Thank you for leading me back to Him. (And that reminds me, thank you for being the Godly leader in our home. What a difference that makes.) Thanks for praying with me, and praying for me.

Barry, I want you to know that I will honor your request – to get married again when God sends that someone special my way. I have several requirements this time around – you know – it’s hard to top you, my Barry! But it’s not that I’ll be replacing you – it will be someone that I will be able to share life with. I won’t even say it will be a forever love (like what we had) – it will be just for as long as God allows it to last.

Thank you for everything, Barry. I will always love you. I will see you again. Goodbye for now.                                               Love, Sue

How many licks does it take...?

I was thinking about that line - "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop lollipop?" Do you know? Have you ever counted them? Have you tried it? I think I succeeded once, but it was so long ago I couldn't tell you how many licks it took. Most likely it was too many; which is why after a few licks in, my teeth take over and crunch, I find the best part - the chocolate.

So is this post about being patient? Is it about not giving up? Is it about, well, at least you tried? The end result of this post won't even be written here; because it has yet to happen.

I have a FaceBook (FB) page. I'm sure several of you have been on it - it's most likely that you were on that first before going to my website to find my blog. I started my FB page to highlight short stories from my life - from birth to death and everywhere in between; and it's also used as a place to share inspirational posts that I see in my news feed (on my regular FB account). I also wanted to highlight the book, Emerge, that will be released on Amazon on September 14, 2015. This book allows me to claim the words "published author" on my resume'. I'm excited for sure because my chapter is about me - it's where I've been over the last ten years and gives a glimpse of where my journey might take me. I know I need to stay plugged into God, leaning on His Word, His Way, to be able to find my way. (Hence the title of my chapter - Finding My Way).

Writing my prayers helps me express to God how thankful I am, even for the little things in my life. Writing has always been a passion and is a great way to release the things that build up inside of me. My life has been intertwined with trials, joy, struggles, and happiness, -all to show how God continues to be my strength during this life journey. Many have said that I have been an inspiration to others and I hope it's because they see how much God has provided for me through the years. I believe my purpose is to continue to inspire others, sharing His love through my writing.

The other night I was watching the movie, "God's Not Dead". Remembering the scene in the church when the minister was asking Josh about how many of those kids in his class would step foot into the church building and Josh responded probably none. And so the minister said, then it's your job to bring God to that classroom.

Like Josh, I need to be the seed planter, and the one who waters, and let God do the harvesting. My seeds are planted in my blog, my website, and my FB page; as they all belong to God and it is through those avenues that I hope people will be able to meet God.

So how many licks does it take? or in my case, how many likes does it take? Amazon says a minimum of 500 likes on a FB page or website before they will allow them to become an Amazon affiliate - that is, a place where one can access Amazon and purchase the book, Emerge, along with anything else they want. And if God directs me to point them in the direction of a faith-based movie or another book, then that's what I'll be doing. (That's 500+ people who might not ever step foot into a church building.)

So this as my mission field. A ministry, per se. Wherever I am where my fingers can type or my hand can hold a pencil - that is where I can share Christ with others. I don't have to travel across the ocean, but I might; I don't have to live in a grass hut, but I could; I don't have to eat grasshoppers (though I have); I don't have to walk miles to and from villages (though I could try) and I don't have to leave the comforts of my home (but I probably will). Through my God-given gift of writing, I can inspire and encourage so many more for God. Therefore, the end result of this post is only known to God. It's truly up to Him.

Words of thanks I wish I had said to my parents

I found this writing in another blog I had started (Philippians413).
My mom died on January 11, 2011. 

These are some things I should have told her before she died.

Mom - I love you so much. Thanks for being there for me- especially when I was younger. I know you were on my side alot - cause you were the youngest of four kids, just like me. I'm sorry for the times I disappointed you and dad. Thanks for forgiving me. Thanks for giving me unconditional love and supporting me when I was a single parent. I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks for teaching me about flowers or atleast how to weed around them (though I wish you had stopped adding more gardens to your property). I'm sorry I didn't gain your love for sewing or knitting. I can't add cooking, cause I know you didn't like that either. And though this might sound strange - thanks for not showing me how to use makeup or do my nails - you've saved me a lot of money over the years! Thanks for sharing your love of travel with me - I love it too. And I'm slowly learning where all of the dirt roads in Crawford County lead to. Thanks for always pointing out the hawks and eagles on our road trip - I handed that down to my kids too. I could go on and on. You taught me a lot and I really appreciate it. Thanks. I hope to do as well with my own kids and grandkids. I love you. I'll see you again - in heaven.

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Why is it that we don't acknowledge how much we admire or appreciate others 

while  they're still alive? We should be celebrating their life all year long, because you 

never know when their last day will be here, nor your own.

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My dad died June 8, 2008. These are some things I should have told him.

Dad - I love you so much. Thanks for supporting me over the years and taking time to go fishing and teaching me about patience (waiting for the fish to bite) and how to enjoy nature. I'll never forget the times when you were fly fishing and you called me over to untangle your line from the bushes on the other side of the stream. Thanks for all the car rides around Robin Hood's barn, as both you and Mom had a love for travel that has seeped into me and I am always looking forward to the next road trip. Thanks for teaching me how to play the recorder and for all the duets we had, including when I played the piano and you played the recorder. I loved spending moments with you - helping you mow the lawn or trim the bushes or clean out the fish ponds. Although I didn't have a love for physics or history or law, you still engaged in conversations with me about things I liked. Thanks for trusting me with your car - in both my teenager and college years. Thanks for handing me my high school diploma during graduation (since you were on the school board). Many thanks for helping me pay off some debts I occurred as a single parent. Although there were times when I found it hard to approach you, I always felt better afterwards. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. I will always remember those nights when you showed us how to look through the telescope to see the craters on the moon or to look at Jupiter, Mars or Venus. Both you and Mom taught me many things about life, how to work hard, and to love others. I will always miss you both!